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brokewriter
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Name: Stephanie
Birthday: 1/16/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: writing, music, reading
Expertise: writing, forecasting
Occupation: Weather Forecaster
Industry: USAF
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/29/2007
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| So, one of the biggest reasons I extended for a year in the military was so that I could deploy. I have continued to express my desire to deploy at least once before I separate. After a while, I think I grew out of it. Especially after DJ and I started planning for our big Colorado move. Planning has given me a new sense of purpose--something I think has been missing over the past year or so. I can finally look forward again and see something worth working for out in the distance. So, I excepted the fact that I wouldn't deploy. I excepted (for the most part) that I wouldn't be putting on the stripe that I earned due to lack of retainability. I let go of these things--a sacrifice for the chance at a bigger dream. So, you can imagine my frustration when my NCOIC pulled me into his office last week and gave me another option.
"Do you still want to deploy?" he asked me. "Because we are being tasked to deploy someone during your bucket."
"When would I have to go?" I asked.
"July. You would have to extend again. But you only have to extend the length of the deployment."
I answered reflexively, "Of course not. I start school in the fall."
"Ok. That's all I needed to know. Thanks." he said as if accepting my answer. But then after a pause, he added, "You know...if you extended for the deployment, you would have enough retainability to put on that staff sergeant stripe. And it would also be nice to get out of the military with an extra $15K."
Suddenly, my initial answer seemed rash and irrational. It was the stripe that pulled at me. I can't explain why, but I really wanted to be an NCO. The prospect of having an extra, tax-free $15K was nice too. This was especially tempting after the conversation DJ and I had had just the day before. In fact, this entire situation was far too similar to the situation DJ found himself in the day before.
Let's back up 24 hours. A few co-workers had spoken to DJ about what a horrible decision he was making.
"You have a mortgage and a car payment. The economy is crap right now. You are picking the worst time to get out of the military and you're only doing it for love. Just do four more years in the military. You can have your house paid off sooner and your car. Have her move to Omaha and go to school here. It's only four years," they told him. Suddenly, his initial decision to move to Colorado with me seemed rash and irrational, even dangerous. He told me how he was torn and how maybe he should reenlist after all. We talked about it for hours--weighing the options. Maybe I could move to Omaha. But then I would be giving up my Colorado dream. It was once prophesied (to use a more melodramatic word of what actually happened) that I would one day give up my dreams for a man I loved. He didn't want to be that guy. I didn't want the prophesy to happen. I told him late into that night that I couldn't move to Omaha. We would just have to remain a long distance relationship a bit longer. What I didn't tell him was that I didn't think we'd make it if we were apart for four more years. We would eventually go on our own paths and those paths would fail to intersect. I didn't tell him this because I didn't want to influence his decision. I wanted him to decide as if I was not a factor. The next day, he told me that he would not reenlist and that he could not pretend that I was not a factor. The deciding factor.
Now let's go back to my NCOIC's office. How much easier would it be for DJ and I to survive with that extra money? I would only have to be gone for six months...not four years.
"Can I think about this?" I asked him.
I immediately called DJ and asked him what he thought I should do. He didn't help at all. It was up to me, he said. But you're a big part of this decision, I told him. He laughed. "Now you know how I felt yesterday. You can't pretend I'm not a factor." I've never believed in karma, but goodness gracious, he was right.
I was given one full day to think on my decision. I had to make my choice by close of business the next day. I talked to whomever would listen. Random people coming into the office that I barely knew, people I knew would be for me extending, people I knew would be against it. DJ was decidedly unhelpful. He was too supportive and refused to tell me what he wanted me to do. He only wanted me to know one thing. If I was going to deploy only for money, he would reenlist so that I could go to school. Here's the way I saw it:
Deploying would mean lots of money, my stripe, and an opportunity I'd wanted for years. But it would also mean putting off school for another year and worse, ditching DJ (who had just decided not to reenlist to be with me) for a year.
Moments after I told my NCOIC the next day what my decision was, I called my dad. I told him about the choice I had had to make and how hard it was. I told him it was the hardest decision I had ever had to make. Before I could go on much further, he stopped me and said, "I think you made the right decision."
"But I haven't told you what I decided yet."
He laughed, "You don't have to. I know what you decided. You're not going to Qatar. You're ready to move on in your life now. Don't worry too much. Everything will work out just fine."
I sure hope he's right that everything will work out.
But I am pretty certain that I did make the right decision.
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| I hate moving. Well, I don't hate moving to a new place. What I hate is the logistics of moving. The packing and timing and the selling of stuff. After being a military brat for the first 19 years of life and then spending the next 5 in the military myself, you would think that I'd have gotten used to it all.
You see, I'm leaving the military in the summer. So, I already have to move sometime in June. For a while, I've been worrying about the where, but now I'm 95% certain that I'm going to Colorado. If I don't make it into Colorado State, I'll go to community college and move somewhere between Ft Collins and Denver. I won't be alone. DJ and I are moving there together. So...I'm leaving my cushy job in the middle of a recession. This is either gutsy or stupid. I'll let you know which it is in a few years. But after much agonizing over this issue in the past two years, I've realized that if I don't leave, I'll always wonder "what if."
Knowing that I won't be alone helps a lot too. We'll support each other through everything. We've been a part of each others lives for about four years now. We had one big fight that caused us to stop talking for over six months. But then one day, neither of us could remember what the fight was about and we were back to being good friends. Sometime in the last five months, I started to realize that I'm glad that he's still around and that I want to keep it that way indefinitely. It just so happens that we are separating on the same day. Perfect timing.
But moving in June would give me nearly five months to prepare for a big movie, right? Well...it would except my neighborhood is getting torn down in April. Housing wants us out of here now. I don't know all the details because I need to call them tomorrow, but a few of my neighbors have spoken to them and I got a few snippets. Apparently, they have a house ready for me off base. It's more expensive than this one. However, I hope they don't need me to be on a year lease because if I move in Feb or Mar, I'll only be there for 3 or 4 months. If the housing people won't let me live in their house for less than a year, than I'll be on someone's couch for that time. Either way, I have to move all of my furniture twice in a season. There are so many challenges in this situation. I'll start with the best case scenario:
Best case, I can move into the house that's waiting for me next month or the month afterward. I have to do all the moving this time around. A few of my co-workers might be able to help, but it will be all my responsibility to find a Uhaul and time to do this. I'm used to TMO dealing with all this moving stuff. Since, I'm moving in with DJ, I don't need most of my stuff. And I could use the money I'd make by selling it. That means, all I want to keep in my new couch, bed, and washer and dryer. Vickie agreed to buy my tv, entertainment center, dresser, and the other tv stand. I'll talk to my brother about buying my Xbox and Xbox 360 and office chair. How am I going to get all of this stuff to Gulfport? Should I do it before or after the mini-move? When can I do it? The loveseat will go on Craiglist after I move into the house. I have an old old mattress, and a desk that's falling apart that need to be tossed in a dumpster. I need a truck so bad right now.
Worse case is that I can't move into the house without signing a year lease. A co-worker said I can stay on his couch for a few months and that's fine. But I'd have to get rid of all my furniture before I move out of here. And I'd have to put the furniture I'm keeping in storage. My cats will have to go with my parents if they'll take them. It would be way cheaper to sleep on a couch, but it would be harder to work out and I'd have to pay for storage anyway.
This is all kind of overwhelming. I'm not too strapped for time yet, but I don't have time to waste. I have to get this figured out pretty immediately.
I hate moving. I love being somewhere new, but I hate moving.
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| This morning, I looked up from my Newsweek to the glass doors leading to the back yard and I noticed that it was purple outside. The mist from this morning still clung to the trees and the rising sun created a purple glow over the world. I got off my couch and sat outside for a few minutes. Not long, just long enough to watch the sunrise change the colors of the landscape from that of a dawn to that of a day. It was beautiful. The weather here is unseasonably warm, but the morning was just a little cool and moist. It made me think of Virginia in the morning. I remembered cool summer mornings when I would get up and jog around my neighborhood. I didn't realize until later how much joy I received my those morning runs.
I thought of my childhood in Virginia. I was a generally unhappy kid and always lonely. This was mostly because I didn't know what I wanted and didn't appreciate what I had. That has been the cause of most of my unhappiness my entire life. It wasn't until recently that this has started to change. After moving away from Alaska and coming to miss my Anchorage home as much as I have, I've come to realize my general lack of appreciation for the good in my life. I was lonely there too, but it wasn't until I got here and had no one that I realized how much I really had. How happy I could have been.
The past few months have started to really change my perspective. I started out here with no one. Maybe that's why I really understood how satisfying my long distance friendships actually are.Maybe that's why I started to truly appreciate the friendships I did gain. I love my neighbor. We started to get really close after Drew and I broke up around Thanksgiving. I was tired of being alone when I knew that there was another option a few feet away. I love my neighbor's two year old. I would do anything for her. Maybe it was the lack of hugs in my life that made me truly appreciate the pure love that comes out of a two year old's hugs.
I sat outside and enjoyed this morning's colors as I did during my Virginia mornings. The difference was that this time, I didn't think about what was missing in my life and I thought about what I had. Maybe it's ironic that I've started to understand all the love and happiness in my life at a time when the world has so much less than its used to. But I think that it is only when you have little that you can appreciate so much.
That's not to say that I don't look forward to future life changes. I have a clearer picture now of what I want, but that's not going to stop me from loving all that I have now.
Filled with satisfaction and hope for the beginning of a beautiful day, I got up to go inside when I noticed that...I had locked myself out. It was about this time that I noticed something else: it is way too easy to break into my house.
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| Gah! JT (fencing guy) can be so frustrating! He invited me via Facebook to see a movie this weekend and I figured that since I've bugged my neighbor enough in the past few days and I have no one else in this town to spend time with that I'd go. So, I agreed and asked what he wanted to see. His reply? "I'd like to see you, but I figure you're talking about movies. How about Transporter 3?" Holy cow. This is the kind of stuff that I usually ignore, but I was getting worried that ignoring the flirtations might equate to condoning them--especially now that I'm officially single. (obviously, Facebook status is the official word on one's love life) The point is, I don't want him to think that now that I'm single I'll be more interested in dating him than I was before. Because I'm not. So, I replied that I'll see the movie with him, but I asked if he could please stop being so flirtatious and that it's easier to talk to him when he's not trying to make me blush. Instead of handling it like a grown-up, the man gets all hurt. He acts like I hurt his feelings and that he's just being himself--making me seem like some meany. I told him to stop being so dramatic. I wish he could have seen me roll my eyes. I have no patience for people who are dramatic like that. No sympathy at all.
In other news, I told my mother today that whether I re-enlist or get out, I have to get out of this town. I have got to get out of here. This place is so dead. That's the only way I can describe it. The base-the town--there is no life here. My mom just said I had a bad attitude and that I wasn't trying to like it. I dunno. The way I see it is that I gave it a fair chance and the town failed to impress me. The next logical step is to plan my escape. Even if that escape entails a year tour in Korea. I actually think my mom wants me to like it here so that I'll re-enlist and not go to Korea. But there is NO FREAKIN way I'm living here for 4 years or more. There's no way I'm living here for more than one year. I may not have an exact idea of where I want to be, but at least I have a clear idea as to where I do not want to be. I do not want to be in TX, OK, SC, AL, AR, KY, TN, ID, ND, or HERE.
I have this faint idea that one day, I'll be somewhere for the rest of my life and I'll feel home and have lots of friends. I'll have close friends that are close by. I'll never feel alone because I'll be home. I know the idea may be ridiculous, but I've been holding onto it since I graduated high school, and I'm not letting it go. At least, I'm not letting go right now. I'm afraid that if I hold onto the idea too long, I'll just be disappointed.
In other other news, I can't believe I agreed to watch Transporter 3. Transporter movies aren't supposed to be seen on the big screen for $10. They're supposed to be seen on TBS during a lazy Sunday afternoon when you don't feel like thinking too hard.
I actually saw both Transporter movies on TBS during seperate occasions when I lived with Matt. We watched the first one together. The second one I watched some months later alone while he played on the computer and cooked dinner. I wasn't always happy when I lived with Matt--something I realized only recently. And I don't miss him at all. For the longest time, I thought the time I was with Matt was the culmination of my happiness. But now, I realize that happiness doesn't come in solid eras. It comes in bits and peices throughout a lifetime. It would be ridiculous for me to expect that if certain things happen (right job, good location, presence of a significant other, new tv) , I'll always be happy. Some days will be good and some will be less than good. At least, I hope that's how it works.
Even though I can't stand this town, it doesn't mean, I'm not happy much of the time. I just have a constant feeling of being trapped. I don't really know how to make that feeling go away. Maybe seperating from the military is just an attempt at feeling free. Maybe once I realize that I need a job and money, I will still feel trapped. Maybe wanting to move is another attempt at feeling free. And maybe once I have to start over in meeting people again, I'll still feel trapped. It feels a lot like I'm wearing an IBA (individual body armor). Like a heavy weight keeping me from breathing. Not terrible...just slightly and constantly uncomfortable. I just want it to go away, but I'm not all too sure how.
Maybe...
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| So, Drew and I broke up. I was visiting my sister and she and I were at a bookstore when Drew called. He and I hadn't talked in two days. Sadly enough, that's the longest we'd gone without speaking to each other since July. So, I was happy when he called, but I could tell in the tone of his voice that he wanted to tell me something he didn't think I wanted to hear. The moment I realized that what he wanted to say, I put up my mental blocks and prepared for what I had known would come eventually. Vulnerable, open Beppy was put away and the Beppy that he met originally came out. The suspicious, doubting, untrusting Beppy. And when he told me that the long distance thing made it too hard for him to feel the same way about me, I responded, "Oh Ok. Whatever." I did make sure that we'd still be friends. I have too few good friends in this world to afford to lose any.
I didn't think anything else of it after that. But while the event wasn't the end of my world, it was an ending. And I think it's impossible not to be sad about endings. It's the reason we get sad at the end of the year. Luckily, the sadness didn't come in time to ruin my visit with my sister and her fiancee.
It started on the drive home. The drive itself was peaceful and pleasant. The sun was shining, the scenery of the southeastern US in the fall was perfect. I listened to music and managed not to think about Drew too much. The long seven hours with nothing to keep me company but my own thoughts could have been much worse than it was. And I survived with my sanity.
Of course, this drive was much more lonely than the drive to Gulfport. Firstly, on the drive to Gulfport, I was driving towards someone who was looking forward to my arrival. On the way back, I was driving home to my cats. No one looked forward to my return. And what was worse, when I got home, my life would be different. There's something comforting about knowing that someone loves you and wants you to be in their life. And maybe Drew wasn't the greatest guy or even the greatest person, but it was still something to be wanted even if it was only for a little while. And now, that's over. I never asked Drew if he didn't love me anymore. It was the question that sat at the edge of both of our minds. But I never asked. I didn't need to hear the answer to know it.
So, my life changed without warning me. This happens often enough, but it never ceases to frustrate when it does.
And it happened right before Thanksgiving.
I stopped at Kroger's on the way home and bought an expensive bottle of Chianti. From there, I quickly said hello to my cats and then went to my neighbor's house with the wine. We drank and smoked and talked girl talk. It was nice. I stayed until after 1100 that night. It made me realize something. Even though I may not have friends in this town who activiely want me around, I at least have one who appreciates my company when she has it. I can live with that.
Wednesday was the hard day. That was the day that the inevitable post breakup sadness hit me. I blame Facebook. I checked it before work and saw that he changed his status. It's a small, insignificant thing, but it hit me hard. It was like he broke up with me twice...only this time more publicly. There's something about that small public act that really hurt. It was like his eagerness to change his Facebook status somehow devalued what he and I had. I know, it's ridiculous, but it made me sad and the sadness (coupled with a hang-over from too much wine) stuck around all day. Everyone in the office left at around 1130 in the morning to start their holiday. Because I was working the counter, I had to stay for the whole day. So, I was alone with nothing but my own treacherous thoughts. Half of my brain conspired to force me to wallow in self-pity. The other, more rational side, kept telling me to stop sulking as my life is not that bad. I know my life isn't that bad, but I would be inhuman to not feel something after learning that someone I love no longer loves me back. Still, it was almost Thanksgiving and I wanted to feel grateful for what I did have. My emotional turmoil came to a head while I watched The Rainmaker--an old Katherine Hepburn flick about a strong woman who has never been loved by a boy. I love Katherine Hepburn, but she broke my heart. I cried right there at work. Luckily, no one was around. When Mr. Turner (the office's token cranky old man) came into work, he honestly looked concerned for me. His concern was sweet, but I didn't really want to divulge with him. Human emotion makes him uncomfortable. When I got home, I went back to Jenn's. She had had a rough day too. Her company helped.
This morning, I woke up to several messages from my good friends, Punky and Melissa and even my cousin. They all said the nicest things. How could I not feel loved when I have such great friends? They may not be nearby, but they are still there and they still think about me. They still make me feel wanted and less alone. I can live with that.
So just in time for Thanksgiving, I managed to feel honestly thankful for something. I'm thankful for friendships that last through thousands of miles, too many years, and several breakups with other less important people.
Happy Thanksgiving. :)
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